Dwarven Miners and Orc Peons Walk Out—Blizzard HQ Paralyzed as Workers Demand an End to “Epic Double Standards”
September 1, 2025 | Azeroth eQuirer
The scandal-wracked halls of Blizzard HQ echoed with the sound of angry pickaxes and wooden clubs this morning as dwarven miners and orc peons staged a mass walkout, citing “legendary levels of hypocrisy” and “more double standards than a goblin trade agreement.”
“No Justice, No /dance!”
Workers say the final straw came when the company’s co-leader, Ms. Gemma Ironale (no relation to Jennifer Oneal, purely coincidental), resigned publicly, declaring,
“I’ve seen more accountability in a Defias Brotherhood payroll ledger than in this boardroom. We’ve been promised change for years, but all we got was a new Discord emoji and another diversity council made entirely of human paladins.”
Peons Refuse to Work, Even for Gold
Lines of orc peons—famed for their tireless labor and complete lack of dental insurance—locked arms with dwarven miners outside the employee entrance, chanting:
“You no boss me!”
“Our caves, our rules!”
“No more safety training videos starring Bobby Kotick in a towel!”
One peon was seen hurling a signed copy of the Employee Code of Conduct into a bonfire fueled by unsold BlizzCon merch and old NDA scrolls.
C-Suite Scrambles: “Maybe We Can Hotfix Morale?”
Inside Blizzard HQ, panicked execs brainstormed the usual responses:
- Announcing a “New Era of Transparency” (fine print: only for shareholders)
- Unveiling the Employee Trust Vault (just a broom closet with a webcam)
- Hiring three murloc lawyers and a blood elf “team-building coach” to investigate themselves
“We’re deeply committed to change,” insisted a spokesperson, “but only at a pace that will in no way impact our next loot box cycle.”
Real Change? “Not Until the Kobolds Unionize”
As Gemma Ironale packed her bags (and a suspiciously heavy box labeled “Exit Interview Loot”), she addressed the crowd:
“You don’t get epic loot by running the same old dungeon every quarter. It’s time this company learned that walking out is sometimes the best buff a worker can get.”
At press time, Blizzard’s remaining HR staff had barricaded themselves in the supply closet, while one anxious goblin manager was seen on LinkedIn searching for “remote positions, no accountability.”